I once believed that I would never shake my addiction to alcohol. In retrospect, it’s not hard to see why. From the time I was a little girl, my father drank constantly. Growing up in a house where booze was perpetually on the table made me feel normal, like drinking was just drinking how everyone lived. It didn’t help that when I had too much I would fly into blind rages and lash out at those dear to me.
In sobriety now for six years, I know firsthand how destructive alcoholism can be and am grateful every day for my ability to live a healthy life without eso drain health poison ix as an option anymore. But what kind of life would I have had if I hadn’t gotten sober? One year ago, I was seriously ill with pancreatitis. I spent four days in the hospital and had a permanent central venous catheter installed in my chest. There is no doubt that it contributed to my decision to take that hard look at my drinking and decide to try sobriety for good.
My miracle recovery from pancreatitis made me realize that life is too short not to take care of oneself. We only get one life, and mine was already almost over when the doctors gave me a second chance at it a year ago. The experience of almost losing my liver taught me once and for all never to drink alcohol again.
Over the years, I came to understand that sex is a central part of my life and that it is connected with my addictive behaviors. I have always had a very sexual nature, and it was difficult for me to see how alcohol had interrupted that or compromised its healthy functioning. But the truth is that alcohol keeps me from enjoying sex. It not only loosens my inhibitions, but it dulls my emotional reactions as well because of its sedative effects on the brain. That translates into a more impersonal approach to sex—or at least for me—and less pleasure during intimacy.
With sobriety comes more energy and increased desire for physical closeness with someone else. I learned that sex can fuel my love relationship and make me feel more alive. No wonder I ended up in love with someone who is also an alcoholic. I think many alcoholics fall in love with one another because they are resistant to the drinking mindset, and it’s very difficult for them to be affectionate when they are under the spell of alcohol.
I didn’t realize that alcoholism was a sexually compulsive disorder until I had been sober for a while. Then one day, out of the blue, I received an email from my ex-husband. I had met him before we were married and had been devastated when we divorced. I was in recovery, and because he had been sober for many years myself, he felt hopeful that our marriage might get back on track.
I responded immediately to his email asking why he was contacting me so long after our divorce. His response stunned me: “The compulsion to drink is just as strong for me as it ever was.”
Now I can see what alcohol addiction does to a person, not just physically but also mentally and spiritually. Alcohol is a diabolical source of addiction that destroys lives, so the answer isn’t more alcohol but less of it.
My friend, the author Earl Mindell, calls it a “serious form of social irresponsibility,” and I agree. Alcohol addiction is a destructive force that takes over a person’s life, robbing him of his rights to have relationships, make decisions and live the life he wants.
In the worst cases, alcohol addiction can kill people directly and cause harm to others who are in their lives. I am thankful that I have been able to find sobriety because my ex-husband did die as a result of his drinking problem.
I’ve often said that recovery is 10 percent kicking your addiction and 90 percent coping with life without it. I’m living proof that it is possible for alcoholics to stop drinking, regain control of their lives and keep themselves from going back to alcohol again. My sobriety has been a miracle, and I’m so grateful that I can live my life in recovery without a drink on hand.
I have come to see that my life is not about drinking. Today, I feel a sense of empowerment in my sobriety. Alcohol doesn’t control me anymore, and my health and happiness are directly related to it. That might sound like a strange thing to say about an addiction, but the fact of the matter is that no one’s ever died from sobriety or abstinence.
In the past year, I discovered that you can get sober even if there is no one around you who has ever been in recovery before. There are millions of people like me who are living happy, healthy lives without ever touching alcohol again.
Summary:
My addiction to alcohol was so strong that I never thought it possible to stop at all. But my experience with pancreatitis, which I wouldn’t wish upon anyone, taught me what alcoholism is and what it does to a person. It robbed me of my manhood and filled me with shame. No one told me that healing from my addiction would take time, so I thought it was a certainty.
It took a miracle recovery from pancreatitis in the form of my husband being an alcoholic to make me understand that just because others aren’t in recovery doesn’t mean recovery isn’t for them. And I wouldn’t have believed that if I hadn’t experienced for myself what sobriety is like.
